After we finally got together it went all right. I wasn’t sure there was any chemistry. I almost didn’t go out with him a second time, but my mother talked me into it. She said if I didn’t give him a chance that she would never again listen to me complain about how I never meet any nice men. I know all you singles can relate to that!

Anyway, that is all ancient history now because we got married in 2007 and we just had our first baby. We like to call him our Table for 2 baby. He was born in December and is the highlight of what seems like an enchanted life since I meet my prince charming.

Thank you Table for 2!

Of course, I am not alone…Almost everyone has their own version of first date rules that they have read, heard, made up, or tried out. I have heard men say ridiculous things like, “Men have to keep the women talking about themselves the whole time.” And I have heard women say ridiculous things like “You have to make sure not to appear too independent.” In my experience, most rules like these actually prohibit you from getting to know each other better.

Let’s get serious. There is no one magic trick or recipe to make sure you ace a first date. There are way too many variables. The most important thing to remember in order to have the best date possible is to do what your mother always told you. Mind you manners and be polite. This does not just mean saying please and thank you. Although that is a good place to start. It means having polite conversation, an art that seems to be vanishing these days. As weird as it sounds, good manners will make you stand out in the modern dating arena.

Polite conversation means, first and foremost, absolutely no talking about the big three, sex, politics, or religion. I know these are important factors in knowing if you would want to cultivate a long-term relationship with someone, but they can wait until a few dates down the road. Just concentrate on enjoying each other’s company at first.

Some people will not agree with me on this one… But I highly recommend that you do not, touch, text, answer, or even look at your cell phone, especially if you are having dinner. This will immediately send the message that your mind is somewhere else. Also, it will put your date in the awkward place of trying to mind their own business while you are displaying your business in their face. Turn it off or leave it in the car if you have to.

Whatever your date asks you, do not engage in conversation about your ex. Why? Bad-mouthing people is never polite, so complaining about your ex is out.  If you adore and miss your ex, you are making your date uncomfortable, which is also impolite. It is best to just avoid any and all conversation about past relationships when you are first getting to know someone. No matter what you may think, they will judge you by your ex.

One last topic to avoid all together is one that seems should go without saying, but you wouldn’t believe how much I hear that this has come up on a first date… Mental illness or emotional problems are never ever appropriate to talk about on a first date. Can you believe I even have to say it?! Do not talk about your narcissistic mother, or your stint in rehab, your emotionally abusive ex, or the anti anxiety medication you have in your medicine cabinet. If you don’t understand why these are topics to avoid, please just trust me.

One final very important thing to keep in mind when you are on a first date, it is not just about you and what you want. While it is important for you to be figuring out if you would like to get to know the other person better, it is also important that you are thinking of them and if they are having a good time. Think about it, don’t you wish they were trying to make sure you are having a good time? Remember that other thing your mother always told you, the golden rule… Do I really have to say it?

So a huge thank you!  I was teasing Dave, I never really got my money’s worth because he was my first date, but I couldn’t ask for anything more, nothing could replace the love and happiness he has brought to my life. 

Thanks again!!”
Lisa

 I am proposing that singles unite and develop some new dating language. Using the words boy and girl to describe attached singles over forty seems to imply that they are less mature than their married counter-parts. While this may be true for a select few recent divorcees, people do not deserve this kind of stereotyping and persecution.  Singles take enough heat.

The Dating Partner

Many singles over 40 have a person (or people) with whom they casually go out with on a regular or semi regular basis. I think the term “dating partner” would work nicely to describe this type of relationship. A person who is your partner for dates and social functions, but not your exclusive significant other. This term could also be used to describe someone you have just started seeing, but it has not (yet?) evolved into anything serious.

 I actually can’t take credit for this one. I had a friend who used to use the term dating partner when she was “sowing her wild oats.” At first I chuckled, then I got used to it, then it made so much sense, I have been using it ever since! I have not been able to get it to catch on single handedly so I need your help!

The Companion

And what about people who are in exclusive long term relationships, but are not planning a wedding? In your teens or twenties, even early thirties, you would have considered this person your boyfriend or girlfriend. Consider the alternatives. “Lady friend” is a nice term for men to use, but it sounds very casual, and it doesn’t go both ways. “man friend” sounds ridiculous. In this instance I think the word “companion” works perfectly. You could say male companion or female companion if you’d prefer. This one has been around for a long time, but it is too far under the radar. Let’s bring it out and use it proudly!

Mature Words for Mature People

 Those of you dating while in your wiser years have different priorities than when you were young and foolish. You have learned from your mistakes and are much more sure of yourself this time around. You are well established and know what kind of people you enjoy being around. Your hormones have calmed down and your taste has become more refined. You don’t want a boyfriend or girlfriend to giggle and dream about. You want a compatible dating partner, or a companion to spend time with.

These words won’t effortlessly roll off your tongue from the beginning, but I promise if you give it a valiant effort, it will become easy and it will make so much more sense. And next time you have to go up to your boss to get time off to do something with your significant other’s family, you won’t have to sheepishly use the words boyfriend or girlfriend.

Every one has different past relationship situations as well as present circumstances and future relationship goals. When people are dating, regardless of their age, the issue of sex may come up. People are curious about what kind of sexual attitudes others have. We thought this slideshow from the Oprah.com was an interesting and informative tool for singles of all ages and all perspectives.  

Perspective on Sex Link 

If you’re single, no doubt you’ve noticed the world is filled with happy couples.  Much as we all enjoy seeing happiness around us, there’s a hint of bittersweet in this picture for the uncoupled.  Thoughts may shift from “what a cute couple” to “they may look happy now…” all the way to the infamous “poor-me-I’m-so-unlucky.”

I know.  It’s easy to fall into this trap, and we all do it from time to time.  Just remember: viewing yourself as a victim is the single most detrimental attitude you can cultivate.  It suggests your reality is the product of other people, random forces and erratic events.  “I am the way I am because stuff happened to me.  I have been wronged, hurt, damaged.  I am a victim and I will remain that until other people choose to treat me with more respect.” 

This is problematic because we augment aspects of our lives which receive our attention.  When we cultivate a victim mindset, we accelerate the experience of powerlessness, pain and disappointment.   Here’s an example:

“Betty” declares: “I hate people. People are inconsiderate, sloppy, ill-mannered, bad-mouthed, loud and rude. “   Listening to her stories, you realize she’s absolutely right—Betty’s life is indeed filled with such people, giving her endless reason to feel hurt, slighted and left out. Her friend “Joe”, on the other hand, experiences the very same people differently.  He cultivates a mindset of “I like people.  People are interesting, kind, compassionate, and funny.” 

What Betty sees as “inconsiderate,” Joe interprets as “sometimes absent minded.”  When Betty thinks “loud,” he thinks “vivacious.”  What she considers “sloppy,” he sees as “relaxed,” what she thinks is “rude,” he sees as “irreverent,” and what she sees as “ill-mannered,” he considers “funny.”   Joe’s world is filled with people he likes.  People sense his care and respect for them.  They are drawn to him and treat him well.  Betty’s world is filled with trouble.  The people with whom she comes into contact sense her disdain for them and treat her accordingly.  Which world is yours?

If you’re serious about living happily, I suggest you start by paying attention to what’s right with people.  Notice what’s lovable about them, including the “Bettys” of this world.  Judge less, understand more.  If you can pull this off, I bet your life will begin to change.  You will attract new people, and you will like them.  You will also like yourself more.  You know that ideal partner you’re out to find?  Become that person first, the rest will follow.  Try it.

The “Wish list”

 Almost all single people have that idea of the perfect companion in their minds. A wish list with all of the characteristics and personality traits they desire in a partner. Many singles make an actual list, whether for their own reasons, or because they have joined a service, such as Table for Two.  This can be a very helpful tool, if not taken too far or too literally. Sometimes people get a little carried away, describing the perfect person and expecting them to fall into their lap, (or even to exist at all.) Unfortunately, finding a companion is not as easy as picking out a new cell phone, where you get to choose all of the features you want. Phones are designed to be what consumers want them to be.  People, on the other hand, are just themselves.

 Don’t let your list hold you back 

 Wish lists are great, mainly in a more broad sense, whether you have joined a service or not. Do be honest and thorough with them, but also be flexible. Use them to find the kind of person you want, with a similar lifestyle, and values, and to help avoid incompatibility.  In a service such as Table for Two, where professional matchmakers are at work on your behalf, or even dating on your own, loosening up your wish list could end up being a great thing. You might meet someone with a personality trait or lifestyle choice that you find charming or endearing, but never knew you did. One you never thought of to put on your wish list! Making sure a potential companion fits “big picture” things on your list, such as, honest, hardworking, balanced, or open-minded is obviously necessary to find compatibility. Knowing yourself and what is important to you is a good thing when dating. However holding a potential companion up to the scrutiny of fitting 100% of criteria on your wish list is pretty unrealistic. In other words, holding out for someone who has everything on your wish list could be holding you back. 

A better way to judge your first date

 The way to get the most out of dating is to open your mind. Don’t get ahead of yourself. Don’t picture your future with someone on or before a first date. You don’t know them well enough to do this accurately and the conclusions you draw may discount someone that could potentially be a great companion for you.  Focus instead on getting to know that person. You may just find that you are enjoying yourself with someone that you never imagined you would date. It is important to share core values, but don’t ask yourself questions like…   “Are they similar to others I have dated?”  “Do we do all of the same activities?” Or; “ How many characteristics on my wish list do they fit?”  Instead, ask yourself questions such as… “Are they intriguing to me?” “ Am I enjoying their company?“ Is the conversation interesting and stimulating?”  If you answer yes to these questions you are having a successful first date. A successful first date does not mean you can immediately picture long-term compatibility. It just means you are going on a second date. If you fall in love and a long-term relationship does develop, the small details tend to seem much less important and have a way of working themselves out. 

Perspective on chemistry 

The word chemistry gets thrown around a lot in the world of singles and dating. Everyone seems to have an opinion about it. The most common misconception about chemistry is that it is always instant. Singles are always looking for that “spark” that turns into a fiery passion. Remember this, a fire can start out warm and smoldering and grow into a blazing inferno, just as a giant explosion can quickly dwindle out. Chemistry can grow, and initial sparks can fizzle out. Don’t judge the success of your first date purely on that initial spark. If you found the other person interesting and enjoyed yourself, go on the second and third date, to see if the chemistry grows or fizzles.  Talk to your happily coupled and married friends. (They are out there) Ask them if their partner fits all the criteria that was on their single “wish list.” Most of them will agree that they just fit the big picture.

We are being played like ping-pong balls.  Just when you thought you were somewhat okay, another deficiency is pointed out.  I’d like to write a list of the top 10 alternatives to this madness, but there’s only one, really:  Pay attention!

Start noticing the messages you’re taking in.  You’ll find them running circles in your head as you drive to work, perform mundane tasks, exercise—“Should I get a prescription for… I might have symptoms of…I’m tired of driving this bland car…need something more exciting…this air freshener I heard about…”  We already know there’s no end to this, but like the bunny with the carrot dangling in front of his nose, we keep running after solutions to our imagined problems.   The better, more acceptable, cooler and happier “me” must be just around the corner.   

While chasing that carrot, we forget one simple truth: Each one of us is already enough; we’re standing on a field of carrots, right here, right now.  What if we shifted the focus from “out there” to “within” and started digging?  

How’s this relevant to dating? Simple.  Find within you the qualities you seek in a partner.  You want a partner that’s kind?  Become kindness; live it, breathe it, pass it on.  Want someone who’s physically fit?  Become fit first.  Looking for someone who’s honest?  Be very diligent about the truth of your own words.  Once you discover what you seek within you, you will find it reflected in the world.  Smile at others, and you will find a friendlier world out there.  It all starts with you.

Frequently, individuals are passive in their approach to making a connection to others while dating.  Healthy flirting is the best way to “send signals” to the people you date to get them to open up, feel comfortable, and let them know the real you. 

Everyone can learn to become a successful flirter.  You don’t want to be too over-the-top, but you want to show interest in your date as a person and take a few calculated risks to show your fun side, so they feel comfortable doing the same.    

The Top 5 Secrets to Flirting Successfully are:

 1)      Be Playful - Be sure you’re not using your job interview skills on a date.  This is your time to relax a little.  Ask a few fun questions and tell an interesting story about yourself.  Show your witty side and your sense of humor.

 2)      Make Effective Eye Contact - Everyone thinks they make good eye contact.  The truth is in a social situation, to look comfortable, you should hold your gaze for a 3 second period.  It may seem long, but it shows attentiveness.

  3)      Laugh a Little - Doesn’t everyone love to laugh?  Yet, on many first dates, it seems that people are too reserved to laugh.  Laughter breaks down any uncomfortable walls that are up and helps form a connection between two people.

 4)      It’s All About Body Language - Amy Lindquist (our Image Consultant) and Christa Surerus (our Relationship Success Coach) both state that over 70% of how people are perceived is non-verbal.  What we are doing on the outside speaks volumes about what is going on on the inside.  Be sure to keep your body language “open.”  Face your date, keep your arms open, and have a positive look on your face.

 5)      Ask Them Questions About Themselves - Balancing conversation is SO important on a date.  A great way to be sure to do that is by asking your date interesting questions about themselves.  Ask something that you really want to know the answer to.  People like to talk about themselves and it gives them a feeling of importance.  Your question to them also makes you endearing to them.  Remember, it’s better to be “interested” than “interesting.”

Happy, Successful Flirting.

Matt

Here are my fool-proof, Go-To date solutions for ladies and gents:

Women, men are attracted to us for the differences between us. Which means men love a woman that looks like a woman so in my opinion, nothing’s more feminine than a dress or a skirt. Both garments are ideal in that they are flattering, empowering and from a practical standpoint, slenderizing. Yes slenderizing because with the absence of an inseam, dresses and skirts have the ability to smooth out the hips, thighs, bum and tummy. Of course it takes some know-how to find one that will best flatter your particular figure, but in general make sure you’ve two things going for you:

1.) Hemlines; the two most flattering lengths are to the knee (just above, at, or just below the knee) and to the ankle. These are the two thinnest parts of the leg so when the hemline falls mid-calf, it just screams “ALTERATIONS!” to me.

2.) Fit; this is trickier, however if you’re looking in the mirror trying to convince yourself you look good in it or vacillating on it in any way - it’s a definite “NO”. You should be able to look in the mirror and think to yourself “YES!” That’s a home-run piece to own.

Gentlemen regardless of your height or weight, you look instantly buff in a sport coat, whether worn with jeans or slacks - doesn’t matter. It instantly gives you that Wedge-looking body, meaning if you have flaws, they’re minimized and if you don’t, it enhances your already decent physique.

Two main things to keep in mind with a sport coat are:

1.) Make sure your shoulder seams are congruent with your shoulders. Too much or too little shoulder looks like you’ve borrowed it from someone else.

2.) Jacket hems: the bottom of your jacket should cover your bottom. If it doesn’t, you probably need a “Long” in whatever size you wear.

Until next time…