You’re dating again. You’re feeling great. Don’t ditch the kids.

April 9th, 2008

You’ve experienced the ups and downs of single parenthood. Recently, you have come to the conclusion to put yourself out there on the dating scene again. You’ve decided to stop putting your happiness on hold and give this thing called “relationship” another go. You’re looking for the right person with whom you can share a happy and healthy life. Fantastic! Now—what about those kids? How much should they know about what you’re up to?

It is recommended that you don’t introduce a person you date to your kids until there’s a fairly solid relationship. In fact, until there is some sort of commitment, you would be well advised to not involve your children in the process at all. In the beginning, children need to know only the basics: you’re going out to meet a new friend. They need to know you love them more than anyone in the world, that you will be back soon, and life will go on as normal. Sure, you may think it’s cute to see your date interact with the little ones right from the start. You might even have some pretty good reasons, such as wanting to make sure s/he is good with kids. Still, please spare them the early introductions. Here’s why:

• Kids tend to form attachments rather quickly. Should the relationship not work out, they easily feel hurt, betrayed, or abandoned.

• When there are too many introductions without substance or staying power, too many premature family transitions, too much emotional stress, children enter protective mode. From there, it is difficult to reach them or help them form healthy attachments even when it is safe.

Kids need to feel you’re on their side first. Make sure you’ve talked about them with your date. Can you imagine this person to be part of your family? Is she or he someone you can trust? Do you share similar values about raising children? If not, is your partner willing to assume a more supportive role on the side-lines, while you continue to be the main parent? Sorting out such considerations beforehand helps bring down the stress level for all parties involved—you, your date, and your kids.

Entry Filed under: Relationships